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Insanity at Large: Teenyboppers + Piccolo = Trouble
teenybopper(n.)
A teenager, usually female, who is always following the next fad or craze in clothes, music, etc.
(Goku and Vegeta are having one of their usual friendly sparring sessions)
Vegeta(panting): Take THIS, Kakarott!
(Big Bang Attack)
Goku: Vegeta, just admit it. You'll never kill me. Why can't we spar WITHOUT an intent to kill?
Vegeta: NEVER!!!
(Bulma comes out with a crystal pitcher full of lemonade on an apparently expensive platter)
Bulma: Hey, guys! Chichi and I made some lemonade. Maybe you'd like to take a bre--
(she is cut off as Vegeta blocks Goku's kamehameha. It whirls around and hits Bulma's new crystal pitcher and splatters lemonade all over her face. She stands stock still while this is happening and has a bored expression)
Bulma(sighing): I guess not.
(Meanwhile, Gohan is enjoying his new gameboy he got for Christmas. Piccolo is, yup, you guessed it, meditating)
Gohan: Yeah! Gotcha!
(Piccolo, finally fed up with the annoying music coming out of the gameboy, opens an eye)
Piccolo: Gohan, will you shut that racket off??
Gohan: Sorry, Mr. Piccolo, but if I did, I might lose.
Piccolo: So what?
Gohan: But then I'd have to start all over again! And then I could NEVER get my charmeleon to evolve into a charazard.
Piccolo: ?????
Gohan: Well, you see, Mr. Piccolo, this game's called Pokemon. What you have to do--
Piccolo: No, I wasn't ????? at your stupid video game. I was ????? at that power rating.
Gohan: What do you mean?
(Piccolo nods toward a spot about a few feet away. As they look at it, a small black hole begins to form.)
Bulma(coming out with a new pitcher of lemonade): What's going on?
Vegeta: Hmm? What is it, green bean?
Piccolo: Look.
(The black hole is now about the size of a 32" wide-screen TV with a built in VCR to boot.)
Goku(walking over): Hey guys, what's going on? What's that black hole doing there?
Vegeta: If we knew, do you think we'd just be standing here? Baka.
(Gohan hasn't gotten up. He's still sitting on the grass, playing his pokemon game. Piccolo looks disgusted)
Piccolo: Look at that kid. I'm telling you, that game is evil.
Chichi(coming out): It is not! Gohan's just exercising his computer skills, aren't you, sweetie?
Gohan: Uh-huh.
(Piccolo stops in mid-snort--which, might I add, is a peculiar sight--as someone steps out of the hole, to reveal...)
Bulma: A...a girl?
Teenybopper#1: Hello there.
(the girl is still blinking her eyes, trying to get used to the sunlight. Three other girls step out.)
Teenybopper#2: Day so soon?
Teenybopper#3: I thought it was night.
Teenybopper#1: At a concert.
Teenybopper#4: A Backstreet Boys concert, to be precise.
Goku: Backstreet Boys? What's that?
Vegeta: I don't think I want to know.
(By now, about 20 girls have stepped out of the hole, all chatting in high-pitched voices. The hole is beginning to shrink.)
Piccolo(who has been silent all this time): Whoever you are, get back to where you came from. The hole's shrinking.
Teenybopper#13: What? Who's there?
(still blinking, the girl looks at Piccolo. Her eyes widen, and she starts to gape)
Teenybopper#13(dramatically): It's...it's PICCOLO!!
(The other teenyboppers turn to react the same way.)
Teenybopper#10: I...I can't believe it...It's really him...
(The girls all stare with equal expressions of shock)
(Then suddenly, #20 recovers)
Teenybopper#20: PICCOLO!!!!
(She runs toward him. Piccolo cringes)
Piccolo: N-nani? I--
(Piccolo stops in mid-sentence as a stampede of crazed female teenyboppers almost crush Vegeta in an insane attempt to get to him. Poor Vegeta's Saiyan pride is crushed a lot more than his body)
Bulma: Vegeta! Are you hurt?
Vegeta: Just my pride. Help me up, woman!
(Piccolo is now running for his life around the Son's backyard, trying to shake off the teenage girls who apparently ate one too many tons of sugar for breakfast)
Piccolo(over his shoulder): What the hell are you doing?
Teenyboppers: We LOVE you!
Piccolo: WHAT???!!!
(Piccolo screeches to a halt. He begins to fly, but teenybopper#8, a brunette who looks suspiciously like our author, grabs his cape)
Piccolo: GET OFF ME NOW!!!
He tries to shake her off. This triggers a fierce battle. It's a tug-of-war--twenty teenyboppers verses one very ruffled Namec.)
Piccolo: LET GO OF MY CLOAK!!
(It ends up as a tie. Teenybopper#8 gives his cloak a hard tug at the same time Piccolo goes into overdrive. His cloak tears in two, but he escapes. He settles down just above their reach, and sits indian-style in midair)
Piccolo(at the top of his lungs): BAKA-FOR-BRAINS-FRIGGAN-TEENAGE-WEIRDOS-HOW-DO-THEY-KNOW-ME-WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED???!!!
Vegeta(with the classic I'm-amused-and-evil smirk): Don't ask me. I figured a green-bean like you would be single forever.
Piccolo(looking likes he's about to kill somebody): Namecs are SUPPOSED to stay single! It's their JOB! Why--
(He breaks off abruptly as he observes with evident distaste that all twenty of the girls are in a free-for-all over who got to keep the other half of his cape)
Goku(with a friendly wink): Looks like you've got some admirers, buddy!
(Piccolo makes a mental note to kill Goku as soon as he has a chance.)
Piccolo(flustering): But I don't WANT admirers! I'm NAMEC! I'm ASEXUAL, for Kami's sake!
Vegeta(snickering): Looks like you don't have much of a choice.
Piccolo: Vegeta, YOU"VE got a bigger ego than any of us. A group of admirers should feed it nicely. YOU take them.
(Vegeta looks...intrigued, but Bulma slaps him on the head.)
Vegeta: Er...One of these human females is about all I can take. Besides, it looks like it'll be much more entertaining if I leave them to you.
(Yeah. Sure, Vegeta)
Piccolo(helplessly): Yamcha...
Bulma: Yamcha has a girlfriend already. Looks like he was able to replace ME just fine. Of all the--
Vegeta: Quiet, woman.
Bulma: NO! I WILL NOT be quiet! I have had enough of your egotistical--
Vegeta: Woman! Don't talk to the Prince of Vegeta that way!
Bulma: Wake up, Vegeta. Your planet's gone. There IS NO MORE KINGDOM. And here I am, slaving away--
Vegeta: Slaving? HA! You spend half of your day on the phone complaining about everything that moves to your ridiculous, giggling baka friends! I train the whole day!
Bulma: Well, at least I"M not training so I can kill my wife's best friends and take over the universe!
(meanwhile, Gohan is doggedly working at his video game. At the sound of a very familiar argument, he lift his head)
Gohan: Hey, guys, can you keep it down? I'm trying to--hey, Mr. Piccolo, what are those girls doing to your cloak?
Piccolo: Tearing it to pieces. Can someone tell me HOW these girls got here, and WHY they're in love with me?
Gohan(innocently): They're what? All of them? Well, which one are you going to marry?
(At the sound of THAT question, the teenyboppers look up. They stand up before Piccolo, a huddled group, looking at him expentantly)
Piccolo: I'M NOT GONNA MARRY ANY OF THEM!! THEY'RE ALL NUTS!!
Gohan: Is that why they love you?
Chichi: Exactly.
Vegeta: No one in their right mind would love Piccolo.
Teenybopper#5: Hey, I resent that.
Piccolo: You stay out of this.
Teenbopper#5: He TALKED to me!
(Piccolo gives up)
Bulma: We need to get down to the bottom of this. I'll get a reading on that black hole.
Vegeta: I'm afraid you'll have some trouble, girl. It's gone.
Bulma(annoyed): I know that, you dope. But my father's not the CEO and founder of Capsule Corp. for nothing.
Vegeta: Then hurry up.
(She hurries up. Quicker than you can say, "hurt pride", Bulma has all the equipment out and ready)
Goku: Now what, Bulma?
Bulma: I'll measure the area where the region of space-time occured. Once I particulize the location of the ingress, I'll measure the capacity of the gateway, and descry where these ignoramuses originated.
Gohan(overwhelmed): Which means...?
Vegeta: A whole lot of bull.
Teenybopper#5(she's become quite intent on her celeberity's conversation):
Exactly what I was thinking.
Piccolo: Shaddup.
Teenybopper#5(thrilled): Ok!
(Piccolo mumbles something inaudible and probably improper)
Gohan: I still don't get--
Goku: Don't even bother. She's impossible when she gets technical.
Bulma: Don't worry guys, I'll have you out of this in about ten minutes!
Vegeta(drily): Make it five.
Piccolo: 10 seconds would be great.
(the teenyboppers are now arguing over who is the prettiest)
Vegeta: Tell me, Kakarott.
Goku: Yeah, Vegeta?
Vegeta: My wife excluded, is there anything inside your human female's brains besides...
Gohan: Vanity?
Goku: Backstreet Boys?
Piccolo(at his wit's end): ME?
Vegeta: Exactly.
(Goku pauses, in deep thought.)
Goku: Yes. There's also...
(everyone leans forward)
Goku: Food.
(they fall over)
Goku: Cooking, to be exact.
Piccolo: How much longer am I going to have to fly?
Mysterious Voice: Poor Piccolo.
All(yes, even the teenyboppers): Who's there? Nani?
(A shimmering form appears. It takes the form of a female.)
Piccolo(at the verge of insanity): Oh, no! Not another one!
Vegeta: I've had enough of this rubbish!
(he throws an energy ball at the materializing female. She deftly blocks it with her staff. It hit's Bulma's discarded lemonade pitcher.)
Bulma(sighing): This is NOT my day.
Piccolo: I don't think it's anyone's day.
Vegeta(snickering again): Besides the green-bean lovers.
Mysterious Female: Hello. I am Sailor Pluto.
(she bows politely)
Bulma: Huh? What are you doing here? And what are you WEARING?
(Sailor Pluto looks down at her fuku. Bulma doesn't know whether to be impressed or disgusted)
Gohan: Isn't it...kind of short?
Chichi: And tight?
Bulma: PERFECT for Master Roshi.
Piccolo: Oh, Kami, am I glad he didn't show up. I've got a feeling those poor girls in those ridiculous tank tops should be thankful, too.
Sailor Pluto: I am sorry if I offend you. This is my warrior uniform. It is mandatory to wear it.
Vegeta(mockingly): You, a warrior? Offhand, I'd guess your power level to be...3000?
Sailor Pluto: 3500, to be exact.
Piccolo: Hrmm...
Sailor Pluto: I always keep track of my power level.
Chichi: What are you doing here?
Vegeta: Because if you're looking for a fight, I can assure you that we will win.
Sailor Pluto: I come on a peaceful mission. Allow me to introduce myself--
Goku: But...you just did.
Sailor Pluto: Well, I will again. I am Sailor Pluto. I am the guardian of space and time.
Gohan: And Pluto, right, miss?
Sailor Pluto(solemnly): Yes.
Bulma: Space, huh? Do you know that about that black hole that let in these dopes?
(the teenyboppers were now professing love to Piccolo through weird poems that they considered elegant and romantic)
Teenybopper#6: Piccolo, Piccolo, why art thou a Namec? Why can't thee be...heterosexual?
Piccolo: Don't they EVER give up?
Sailor Pluto: Yes.
Piccolo(suspiciously): Yes what?
Sailor Pluto: Yes, I knew about the black hole. There are a few tears on our planet that act as doorways to another dimension. So that when one steps through it accidently--
Bulma(fascinated): It leads them here!
Sailor Pluto: Among other places.
Chichi: So...you're from their dimension?
Sailor Pluto: No.
All(no, not the teenyboppers this time): ?????
Goku: Then how did you know...?
Sailor Pluto: I am not called the guardian of space and time--
Gohan: And Pluto--
Sailor Pluto: --And Pluto, sure, for nothing.
(she turns to Piccolo)
Sailor Pluto: You should know, Piccolo, that in this dimension, you are considered the most wanted guy in all Japan.
Piccolo: WHAT?!
(Bulma suppresses the urge to giggle. Barely. Vegeta grins flashes Piccolo a wicked grin)
Piccolo: But I'm...I mean...I can't even...I...WHAT?!
Sailor Pluto(smiling): You heard me. And as for your...unusual Namec trait, this makes it even better. The media uses it to your advantage. The media knows it's psycology, I'll give it that.
Teenybopper#13: It may be impossible...but I'll make the impossible possible...
Piccolo: But...how...(he lets his words hang helplessly)
Vegeta(to Sailor Pluto): That's enough, human! I, for one, don't want to know.
Piccolo(weakly): Thank you.
Vegeta: Who's thanking me? I don't want to know the gruesome details as to why girls should find you remotely attractive.
Teenybopper#9: He just IS. And don't insult my Piccolo!
(Piccolo shudders)
Goku(taking control): All right, girls, calm down. You don't want to get the Prince of Vegeta angry.
Vegeta: Unless, of course, you want your body parts strewn across the globe.
(teenyboppers cringe)
Goku: Sailor Pluto. Will you get rid of these...
Vegeta: Mindless morons?
Sailor Pluto: Exactly what I was thinking.
(pause)
Vegeta: You gonna get rid of them anytime soon?
Piccolo: Now would be good.
Teenybopper#14: But Piccolo, I've been waiting forever to see you!
Piccolo: Then wait a little longer. Like forever.
Teenybopper#14: Gee, you're not as nice as YM says you are.
Piccolo: No, I'm not. Try to think of soemone else to fall in love with.
Teenybopper#14(theatrically) It's too late. I'll always love you, Piccolo, no matter what you say or do.
(she tilts her head and screws her eyes as if expecting to get hit.)
Piccolo: What the hell are you doing?
Teenybopper#17(surprised): That's the line in your movie.
Piccolo: MY WHAT?!?!
Sailor Pluto: You've been saying that phrase a lot. "my what" "what?" "what's going on..."
Piccolo: WELL, I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!!!!
Teenybopper#20(giggling): You're funny.
Piccolo: DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?
Teenybopper#20(surprised, nervous): But YM says--
Piccolo: $$%&*@/& YM!!!!
(Poor teenybopper#20's hair line gets shortened by several inches)
Teenybopper#20: AAAAA!
Piccolo(powering up): I've had enough!!
Goku(powering up as well): Piccolo! Calm down!
Vegeta: All right! Now this looks like fun! Scaring little teenage girls could be just what I've been missing!
Sailor Pluto(trying to be heard over the terrified screams of the teenyboppers): Will everyone PLEASE CALM DOWN!!
(Sorry, Sailor Pluto, not this time)
(Vegeta is now flying, swooping low over the girls like an overgrown owl--hairline and all. The girls are screaming like there's no tomorrow and Vegeta is having the time of his life)
Vegeta: ALL RIGHT!!
(Sailor Pluto, noticing that Piccolo is going bonkers and Goku can barely hold him, decides enough is enough)
Sailor Pluto: Dead Scream!
(The sound that emits is just about equivalent to one thousand chalkboards being scraped simultaneously by one thousand nails that were recently manicured. Sailor Pluto doesn't even have to throw her energy for this one)
All(teenyboppers especially): AAAAAAAAA!
(They all cover their ears. When she sees that the teenyboppers are unharmed and that everyone's potential power level has lowered decisively, she stops the mind-melting noise)
Vegeta(rubbing his ears): Next time you try that, Sailor Sap, I'll make sure you'll wish you've never been born.
Sailor Pluto(respectfully): I don't doubt it, Prince Vegeta.
Vegeta(who is obviously not used to this type of answer): Er...all right then.
Piccolo: Sailor Pluto, quick! Get rid of these humans before they drive me insane!
Goku: I think they already have.
(Chichi, Bulma and Gohan nod wisely. Gohan is back to his video game)
Sailor Pluto(who looks ridiculously happy): Very well.
(And with a wave of her staff, the teenyboppers dissapear in a harmonious display of author magic)
Piccolo: I still don't get everything here, but I don't think I want to know.
Goku: But you kept on demanding what was going on.
Piccolo: Now that I know, I don't want to know.
(Sailor Pluto is just standing there. She looks nervous)
Vegeta: Well? You've helped us. You can leave now.
Bulma(shocked): Vegeta! You just admitted that you needed help!
Vegeta: What? It's not that...I mean...
Goku(another one of those friendly winks): You old softie!
Vegeta: Don't make me kill you, Kakarott.
Sailor Pluto: Well...actually...
(they look at her inquisitively)
Sailor Pluto(in anguish): I...I can't leave! I've waited forever to see Piccolo...and...
Goku: Uh-oh.
Bulma: Uh-oh is right.
Chichi: What is it with these green aliens?
Bulma: Don't ask me.
Chichi: What are you talking about? You MARRIED an alien.
Bulma: Well, so did you.
Chichi: Yeah, but I didn't KNOW.
(they begin to bicker)
Vegeta(marching up to Sailor Pluto): I'm going to ask you a few questions, human.
Sailor Pluto: Heh.
Vegeta: First of all, how did those tears in the space/time continuum actually GET there? Eddies like that don't appear on a regular basis.
(everyone stares)
Vegeta(nervous shrug): You don't marry a genius without picking up a few things.
Sailor Pluto(hurriedly): That's very nice, Prince Vegeta. What else have you learned?
Vegeta: Nice try, human. Let's get back to the subject.
Sailor Pluto: Eep.
Vegeta: Well? How did they get there?
Sailor Pluto: Well, the Negaverse was...and then that caused...
(Vegeta looks unconvinced)
Sailor Pluto: ALL RIGHT! SO I CAUSED THE TEAR!
(She hits her staff to the ground in anger. Well, tries to. Instead it hits Gohan's gameboy, shattering the screen to pieces)
Gohan(staring in shock): It...my charmeleon...it was about to evolve...
(He glares at Sailor Pluto. She ignores him)
Goku(referring to the gameboy): Why'd you do that?
Sailor Pluto(thinking he meant the tear): I...I love Piccolo...
Piccolo: Damn. (He pauses) GOHAN?
(Gohan is standing up, fists clenched, eyes red WITH A DEEP FIRE OF ANGER AND PAIN WHEN HE REALIZES HIS CHARMELEON WILL NEVER EVOLVE...er...right)
Gohan: You...my charmeleon...YAAAAA!
(He starts his usual temper-tantrum anger thing. A sonic boom radiates from him and knocks everyone over)
Sailor Pluto(awed): His power...He has more inner power than Small Lady...
Vegeta(sarcastically): No, you think?
Piccolo: Huh. Looks like I won't be able to kill you after all.
(Gohan blasts Sailor Pluto to Piccolo Heaven)
Chichi(shocked): GOHAN!!
Gohan(whose brain is beginning to calculate his actions--Sailor Pluto + Gameboy = Death. Death + Mom = Grounded): Huh? What?
Chichi: You're in trouble now, young man! We'll buy you a new gameboy--
Goku(remembering the price): We will?
Chichi: --but we're going to have to punish you. No TV for a week.
(Thank Kami we're not on Jerry Springer)
Piccolo: What's Jerry Springer?
(Er...you can hear me?)
Vegeta(snorting): Of course. We heard you before, but we were too busy at the moment. Who are you?
(Um...gotta go!)
THE EVER-LOVIN' END!
Note: Piccolo swore the next time he saw a teenybopper he was going to blast her to smithereens. Of course, those weren't his exact words. He said, "to kingdom come" instead of "smithereens". Vegeta and Goku were thankful to go down to the pub, have a stiff drink, and re-enter the wonderful world of middle age.