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THE ANGRY FEMINISTS DIVISION GETS...ANGRY
Hey ma! Look, I'm a celebrity! And you wanted me to go to med. school...Oh, hello, audience. I know how much you've been looking forward to my story, and you are now reading with rapt attention. Or maybe pigs will fly.
Okay, don't spoil this moment for me, will you? I want to bask in the rich glow of being full of myself. It's very fun; you should try to expand your ego to be as big as Vegeta's. It works.
*Piccolo glares*
Heheh...Um, Piccolo had some "formal complaints" on one of my stories...*zoom in to bandaged arm and black eye* So I need to make a public apology. I'm sorry. These characters don't belong to me, there I said it. So don't sue me for forgetting to put my disclaimer on one of my stories. *lawyers leap up*
Oh joy.
Snoozlebear: I TOLD you.
Shaddup!
DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THIS STORY? LOOK UP.
(Vegeta is doing something you'd never thought he'd do; he's taking the day off)
Vegeta: Woman! Bring me a beer!
Bulma: But Vegeta, it's only 11:00 am!
Vegeta: Can't a Saiyan get a good drink with his damned Lucky Charms cereal without interference? Now.
(Bulma obeys, knowing it's useless. And yes, in answer to your question, Vegeta DOES eat Lucky Charms)
Vegeta: Hmph. Nothing on but this ridiculous sport they call football.
(Do you know how rare it is to find a male who is NOT into football? You're an extinct species)
Vegeta(not even listening to what he's saying): I'm an extinct species whether I like football or not...Wait a minute!
(He looks around, confused)
Vegeta: Did I just hear something? And who was I talking to?
(lorelei holds her breath)
Vegeta(shaking his head): Acting drunk before I've even had a beer. I must be more tired than I thought.
(lorelei lets out a sigh of releif)
(Vegeta mutters about women and how they have no brains. He continues on about how he may be picking up their habits. Having decided that all women are idiots, he begins to channel surf again. Suddenly, the phone rings)
Phone: RING!
(Vegeta ignores it)
Phone: RING! RING!
Vegeta: Woman! Get the phone!
(No answer)
Phone(even more urgently): RING! RING RING RING!
(Vegeta mutters more insults to women and settles on WCW)
Phone(practically jumping off the coffee table): RING RING RING RING!
(Vegeta...answer the phone, Vegeta...)
Vegeta: Huh? Did I hear something?
(The phone...answer the phone...the noise is ruining your day off...)
(Vegeta pauses. The phone looks like it's having a heart attack)
Vegeta(eyes getting cloudy): I think I'd better answer it. Stupid woman.
(Eyes still cloudy, he gets up and picks up the phone. He looks like he's in a trance, which makes perfect sense, cause he is)
Vegeta: Mushi......mushi.....?
Brenda(on the other line): Hello. Is this the Goku, Master Roshi or Vegeta?
Vegeta: I am...Prince Vegeta....strongest warrior....in the universe...
(With this little reminder, Vegeta's brain starts to function again. The trance is ancient history)
Brenda: Hold on please.
(Vegeta holds on, wondering why he even bothered to answer the phone)
Brenda: Thank you. Now we've tracked down where you live. It'll be a matter of minutes before we can get to your house. I'd suggest you'd call a lawyer, because you're gonna need one.
(She hangs up. Vegeta stares at the phone, thinking that he's just done something very, very stupid)
Bulma(coming in): Vegeta, here's your beer--hey, what's the matter?
Vegeta: It looks like we'll be having some visitors.
(The phone rings again. Bulma answers it before Vegeta can stop her)
Bulma: Hello?
Goku(voice muffled): Er, Bulma? Can I talk to Vegeta?
Bulma(surprised): Oh...um...just a minute, Goku, let me check...
(She is even more surprised when Vegeta grabs the phone from her hand)
Vegeta: What is it, Kakarott? Did you get that foolish call as well?
Goku: Actually, that's why I called you. What do you think we should do? The AFD sounds really pissed off.
Vegeta: The what? What's the AFD?
Goku(surprised): Oh, didn't they tell you? AFD stands for the Angry Feminists Division.
Vegeta: Feminists?
Goku(puzzled): Don't you know what they are?
Vegeta: I know most of your ridiculous human customs and terms, but this one's news to me.
Goku: Oh. Well, feminists are a group of women who, er, basically don't like it when men treat them inferior to them.
Vegeta(confused): But they ARE!
Goku(irritated): Tell that to the AFD. Besides, things are different here. Woman are supposed to be treated equal.
Vegeta(more confused than ever): But they're NOT!
(Bulma looks at him curiously. He ignores her)
Vegeta: Listen to me, Kakarott: Women are lower than men. That's all there is to it. If these 'feminists' bother us, then(he licks his lips in a menacing manner which makes Bulma roll her eyes)I'll teach them their place. They're no threat.
Goku: Yes, Vegeta, they ARE a threat. I don't wanna get sued. Let's see if we can talk it out first, huh? You're not supposed to kill any more people than neccessary.
Vegeta: Hmph.
Goku: Anyway, they're coming over to your house soon, right? I'll come over with Master Roshi, and we'll see if we can settle this without any violence.
(Vegeta opens his mouth to speak, but it is quite clear that Goku has hung up. He sighs and plops back into his chair)
Vegeta: All I wanted was one day off...
Bulma(gently): You should know by now that that's impossible, Vegeta.
Vegeta: Shaddup and get me another beer.
(Switch scene to Brenda, Mags Mags, and Hyacinth. They are the people behind the AFD and are sisters)
(Brenda: The word ugly doesn't work in this case. More like gruesome. I mean, this is a face that could scare children and small animals. She had big, clunky glasses with thick frames, plain mouse-grey hair, and ACNE. Woe to those with acne who are past the teenage years. She was probably considered "gawky" in her prime, and has brackets. Oh, yea, and an expression so sour you'd think she swallowed a lemon or two. Is that enough?)
(Hyacinth: Obviously her sister. She's younger and fairly pretty, with grey eyes and dark brown hair. She's got a thoughtful expression on her face)
(Mags Mags: Can you say preppy? Blonde hair, dyed a particular shade of yellow that makes my skin crawl; blue eyes, tanned skin...the perfect opposite of a feminist)
Brenda(dramatically): Soon these "DragonballZ" sexist neandrethals will wish that they had never met the AFD.
Hyacinth: That reminds me; our name sucks. Can we come up with another one?
Mags Mags: I like the idea of 'chicks with an attitude'!
Hyacinth: Chicks? Isn't that what we're trying to avoid?
Brenda: We can't change the name! We already ordered the t-shirts! You two are a disgrace to the AFD.
Hyacinth: We know. You tell us...at every meeting.
Mags Mags: Maybe this explains why she's president, ne?
Brenda: Be quiet. I need to think. What we should do next is...
(pause)
Hyacinth: Go over to Vegeta's like we planned?
Brenda: Yes!
Mags Mags: I like Vegeta's hair.
(Switch scene again to Son Goku's house. He's about to leave with Master Roshi)
Chichi: Goku, must you leave on another one of your adventures? Think about the example you're setting for Gohan!
Goku(obliviously): Gohan's old enough to make his own example.
Chichi: That is not true! Poor Gohan is only seven years old! And you promised to play with him today!
Goku(muttering): Now where's that paper...?
Chichi(shrieking): You're not even paying attention!
Goku(grabbing papers in a rush): Er...gotta go! C'mon, Master Roshi!
Master Roshi(giving Chichi a wink): Don't worry, hon. It's not your place to worry about these matters. Goku'll be fine, and Gohan's a big boy.(he reaches his hand to slap her on the rear, but Chichi grabs the hand with surprising force)
Chichi(through gritted teeth): Don't...say...it's not...my business...you...pervert!
(Master Roshi wriggles)
Goku(turning around): Huh? Hey, Chichi, can you let go of Master Roshi now? We're kinda in a rush.
(Chichi stares at Goku in amazement)
Chichi: You...you JERK! (she turns her back to him) I don't care if you ever come back!
(Master Roshi has gotten free, and Goku is confused, worried...all the traits of a true-blue airhead)
Goku: Um...I'll be back for dinner...bye Chichi...
(Goku and Master Roshi exit, fast)
Chichi: Why do I even bother?
(Later. Goku and Master Roshi have just arrived at Bulma's house. Vegeta is waiting on the steps with a beer)
Vegeta: About time you showed up, Kakarott. I was beginning to wonder if I'd have to wait until sundown.
Master Roshi: Er...why are you sitting on the front steps, Vegeta?
Vegeta: Since when am I available for safe conversation? Away from me, weakling, before I fry you.
Master Roshi: Heheh.
Bulma(from other side of door): Vegeta? Are they here??
Goku: Bulma? That you?
Vegeta(sardonically): No, it's the easter bunny. Woman! Let me in!
Bulma: All right...
(She opens the door and lets Goku and Master Roshi in. When Vegeta trys to follow, she slams the door in his face)
Goku: Um...Bulma...I don't think...
(Vegeta knocks the door over with a flick of his wrist)
Goku(sighing): Nevermind.
Bulma: Get out, you jerk!
Vegeta(covering his ears): Shut up shut up SHUT UP!
(He takes another swig of his beer. It is emptied)
Vegeta: Woman! Get me another!
Bulma: B-but Vegeta, you've already had fifteen! It's too much for you, Saiyan or no Saiyan!
Vegeta: Just for that comment, make it two.
(Bulma exits to get his beer)
Goku: Um...maybe the feminists shouldn't come with you in this condition.
Vegeta: Don't tell me what to do, Kakarott!
Goku(more confused than ever): But I'm not!
Vegeta(swaying): Do you have proof of that?
Master Roshi: Vegeta, why on earth are you drinking so much beer?
Vegeta: To prove to her that Saiyans can take it. Especially and only Princes of Saiyans.
Master Roshi: Who? Bulma?
Vegeta(head dangerously to one side): No.
Goku: Then who...?
Vegeta: A little voice in my head. She's narrating our life as we speak. She's laughing at me.
Goku(arching eyebrows): I see.
Vegeta: You do, do you? Well, that means you aren't blind.
Master Roshi: Um...
Vegeta: Can't think of something to say, old man? Let me say it for you.
(Master Roshi shakes his head to no avail)
Vegeta: Say, "here come the feminists." Considering this is you, you should also say, "boy, that third one is cute."
(They turn to see the feminists at their front door--er, where their front door should be)
Bulma(handing Vegeta a beer in each hand): Oh dear.
Brenda: Let us in! You can't keep us out!
Vegeta:(hic) Oh yeah? Well, we don't want to!
(He flies over to them before the others can stop him)
Vegeta:(hic) Why are you mad? Everyone knows that women are lower than men...except for you.
Brenda: We want to have a People's Court here and now!
Vegeta: Shwa...?
Goku: It's like being sued but without lawyers. And there's a video camera.
Vegeta: Let me be the judge!
Brenda: No! We've picked someone neutral.
(Out steps Piccolo)
Hyacinth: He may be a man, but he doesn't care about the whole issue here. Plus he's Namekian {inside message here...well duh}
Piccolo: I did NOT agree to this. This was NOT what I had in mind.
(Glares at lorelei, who ignores him and continues to mock Vegeta in his head)
Vegeta(throwing away two beers and clutching at his head): Woman! Another.
(Bulma obeys)
Mags Mags(winking at Vegeta): Hey there.
(Vegeta looks at her curiously and wonders at her hair color)
Vegeta: I didn't know feminists resembled preppies so well.
(Mags Mags frowns)
Mags Mags: You aren't very nice.
Goku: You should see him when he isn't drunk.
Brenda: Let's move it, people!
(Bulma walks up to Vegeta with his umpteenth beer)
Vegeta: Gimmee.
Piccolo: Let's get this over with.
(Again, later. They have it all set up. Piccolo even has a little judge's booth, comeplete with a gavel...and an extremely dusty white wig. This is in the Breif backyard, while an unhappy Bulma is holding a video camera as Krillan hosts this fabulous ordeal)
Krillan: Welcome to THE DRAGONBALL COURT. With your host...um...me! The court will begin in five minutes, as soon as Vegeta finishes vomitting in the bathroom...hey, look, here he comes now!
(A flushed Vegeta steps out into the sunlight. He blinks)
Vegeta: What?! (he pauses, as if listening to something) That is NOT TRUE! Princes of Saiyans CAN keep down beer! (furiously) Will you stop your laughing?!?!?!
Krillan(who has walked over to him by this time): Um...Vegeta...who are you talking to?
Vegeta(who is very slowly drinking another beer): Whhrr...? I told you already Kakarott!
Krillan(bemused): Vegeta, I'm not Goku.
Vegeta: Quit toying with me, Kakarott. And those other two Kakarotts beside you.
Krillan(dubiously): Um.
Vegeta(taking a large swig of beer and trying to keep it down): Can't think of something to say, Kakarott? Let me say it for you.
Krillan: Huh?
(Vegeta pauses, hand clutching his head. He looks at Krillan)
Vegeta(giggling): You're a poop-head.
(Krillan is not as shocked as by the silly insult than by the fact that Vegeta is giggling)
Krillan: Vegeta, are you feeling ok?
Vegeta: I am fine, Kakarott. You're a poop-head, that's all.
Krillan: I see.
Vegeta: Yes. You said that before, Kakarott. And as I said before, that means you are not blind.
Krillan: Uh-huh...Vegeta, what are you doing?
(Vegeta is just standing there, a little bent over, looking at Krillan. Not expectantly, not curiously, not even evily...just looking at him with a dumb expression on his face. He blinks. Krillan blinks back. Vegeta blinks again, while Krillan is scratching his head. Then he stops when he realizes he feels something up there)
Krillan: Wha--?
(He brushes his head some more. He abruptly turns to Bulma's video camera
and peers closely at the lens)
Krillan(rubbing his stubble): I have hair!
Vegeta: No duh, Kakarott. Hey, did you get a haircut?
Krillan: I'm Krillan. And I have hair! That tonic must've really worked.
(Now it's Vegeta's turn to be dubious)
Vegeta: You're not Kakarott? (he pauses) Oh. Well, get me a beer.
(Krillan ignores him, reveling in his triumph. Vegeta walks away, and spots a punch bowl. He pauses)
Vegeta: My resources tell me that this punch has been spiked. (he pauses again) Is that a good thing?
(lorelei whispers yes)
Oh. All right then.
(He heads toward the punch bowl. Meanwhile...)
Chichi(getting her purse): Gohan, I'm going out.
Gohan: All right, mom. What's the matter?
Chichi(through gritted teeth): NOTHING.
Gohan: Do you want me to finish my homework?
Chichi: I don't care. Why don't you visit that green guy instead?
(Gohan, as can be expected, is shocked)
Gohan: Something's really wrong, isn't it? Is it because of dad?
Chichi: Youe FATHER is fine. I am not mad. I am not mad...
(She leaves. Gohan heads toward his NEW gameboy, with a desperate hope to get his Charmander to get back to a Charmeleon)
Gohan: C'mon!
(Pack to THE DRAGONBALL COURT. The punch bowl is almost empty)
Vegeta: I don't know what those little cups are for. They only get in the way.
(He picks up the whole bowl and slurps up the contents)
Vegeta(to staring audience): Hey.
Staring Audience: Um...
Vegeta: Can't think of something to say, humans? Let me say it for you.
(Goku slaps his forehead and mutters)
Vegeta: You all are poop-heads.
(He giggles again. Bulma, fascinated, is recording all this via video cam)
Bulma: And the word for today is: blackmail.
Vegeta: WOMAN!
Bulma(nervously): Uh...yes, Vegeta?
Vegeta(giggling again): I hope you got my good side.
(Bulma blinks)
Goku(walking up): Hey, Vegeta, it's almost time, let's GO!
Vegeta: Who's there? Kakarott? Oh, very well.
(The staring audience backs away as Goku and Vegeta come through. Goku leads him to a table opposite to the feminists' one)
Goku(plopping Vegeta on the chair): Sit here.
(Vegeta sits, a dazed expression on his face)
Piccolo(gruffly): Okay. Here me, here me. It's time to begin, so let's start as soon as possible so we don't waste any time. Unlike you lunkheads (he nods to the feminists) I have things to do. Right, we'll begin with the defendant's statement. Defendants, rise.
(Goku and Master Roshi rise, and try to get Vegeta to do the same. Vegeta remains seated)
Piccolo: Vegeta. Rise.
Vegeta: Since when do I follow your orders, green bean?
Piccolo: Well, if you don't, the feminists win.
(Vegeta hastily rises)
Piccolo: Good. State your stupid statement, and make it fast.
Vegeta: Women are not as good as men. If they were, there'd be female warriors in our league.
Hyacinth(standing up): That's exactly why we're suing them! All we ask for is a female warrior!
Goku: If I might make a--
Piccolo: Shaddup. Everyone be quiet.
(They are quiet)
Piccolo: Okay, that was the statement. Now I decide who wins.
Goku: No! We need witnesses, and evidence to prove they're not lying! Not to mention a jury.
Piccolo(aghast): We do?
Goku: A usual court session takes at least an hour.
Piccolo: Well, I can't sit still with this ridiculous wig on my head for an hour. The AFD wins. They get ONE female warrior.
Hyacinth: And she can't be the weakest neither.
Master Roshi: Let's be serious, girls. Where are we going to fine a female with a high power level? Surely Goku and the others would've sensed them by now.
(The females conference)
Piccolo: Can I leave now?
Brenda(firmly): Not till your decree is accomplished.
Piccolo: Sigh.
Mags Mags(brightly): I know!
(They all eye her doubtfully)
Vegeta(voices in his head interrupted): What is it, you preppie? Remember some make-up you need to buy?
Mags Mags(indignantly): No! I thought of what we could do!
Piccolo: Then hurry up. I have some training to do.
Vegeta: Why?
Piccolo(stumped): Um...because I need to get stronger. And my reputation...
Vegeta: Ah. Say no more.
Piccolo: You understand?
Vegeta: Yes. That's happening right now, in fact. I need more beer to keep the flawless reputation this voice is mocking intact.
Piccolo: Hmmm. Maybe I should reconsider my motives.
Mags Mags: Huh? Can I state my perfect-in-every-possible-way suggestion?
Piccolo(sighing): Knock yourself out, kid.
Mags Mags: We should get Akira Toriyama to draw her!
(The DbZ crew look at her as if she suddenly mutated an extra head)
Goku(drawing back in horror): The Creator? Never!
Piccolo: I am shocked and appalled.
Vegeta(swaying again): And how!
Krillan(the classic "man I don't beleive it" act): How could we demand such a thing from the one who brought us into being?
Mags Mags: Well, he could draw her...
Brenda: I've got a better idea.
(They all turn toward her)
Piccolo: Enough of the fancy introductions. Brenda--
Vegeta(waggling his finger in a knowing and extremely silly manner): IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME!
Piccolo: --Tell us your idea. Anything's better then your sister's.
Mags Mags: Hey!
Brenda(flourishing her hand in a fancy salute): Me, of course.
(Blue eyes blink, black ones roll)
Brenda: I'll be the female warrior.
(Perhaps, on his less drunk moments, Vegeta would've simply killed her then and there. But this was not one of those moments)
Vegeta: Um, no.
Brenda(irritated): What do you mean, no?
Vegeta: Exactly what I said. No. Your power level is about 5...when you're lucky.
Brenda: You guys could train me.
Vegeta: Um...no. You see, hun. (he puts his arm around her, much to her annoyance)You aren't fighting material. You're too weak. It's the same with most women--they'd just rather do other things than go and get themselves killed. So it doesn't make sense--
Chichi: Shaddup.
(Everyone turns)
Goku: Chichi? What are you doing here?
Chichi: Shaddup.
Krillan: Hey, Chichi, what are you carrying?
(Chichi turns her head from the heavy uzi on her shoulder to Krillan)
Chichi: Well, it looks like the uzi I just took out a K-Mart with.
(They stare)
Piccolo: Yet again, I am shocked and appalled.
Chichi: Good. You should be.
Goku: Chichi, you're joking, right...?
Vegeta: None of those Chichis looks like they're joking. All six of them look mad.
(Goku pauses, then shrugs and turns back to Chichi)
Goku: Chichi, where's the Ox King? Wasn't he coming over for dinner?
Chichi: He's at home. Tied up. In a tree. Upside down.
(Murmurs from audience. Bulma zooms in with the camera)
Piccolo(bemused): Order, order. (pounds gavel)
Vegeta(to reporters that seemed to materialize out of nowhere--that's how the media is, magical): Even I don't know why she'd hostage her own father. Hell, that ain't normal, even for Chichi.
Goku(dazed): You're taking your own father HOSTAGE?
Chichi(tossing hair, a difficult task with the uzi): Why not? You got a problem with that, alien?
(Oooos and aaaaas are exchanged among the reporters...Vegeta spins around)
Vegeta: Yes, he's an alien, and I am Prince Vegeta of an extinct race of super-strong warriors from the planet Vegeta...is that enough for your tabloids, you briefcase-toting novelist-wannabes?
(The reporter assure Vegeta that it is, indeed, enough)
Vegeta(snorts): Reporters. (He drains the rest of his beer)
Vegeta: Is this enough? (pauses) I ONLY DRANK 43 @T&**&@$%% BEERS?!
(lorelei tells him that she lost track and it is actually 44)
Vegeta(swaying more than ever): That's better. And my goal is what again?
(lorelei tells him)
Vegeta(weakly): Swell.
(Chichi looks confused, but shrugs it off)
Chichi: Goku, honey, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you now.
All(reporters writing furiously): WHAT?
Chichi: It's just that I need some space...forever.
Goku(flustering): B-but, Chichi, you can't kill me!
Chichi: And just why not?
Goku: Because you're my wife!
Chichi: What difference does that make? If I weren't your wife, I wouldn't go through the trouble of killing you.
Goku: But...why?
Chichi: You're always off to say the world, not even bothering to think about the people who care about you. What about ME, Goku? What about MY needs?
Goku: I didn't know...
Chichi: Too late.
Goku: C'mon, Chichi, you don't honestly think you can kill me.
Chichi(crazily): I will or die trying!
Goku(whining): I don't want this to happen! Chichi, I LOVE you!
(Chichi hesitates. The feminists are screaming their heads off, encouraging her to be her own woman)
Chichi(squaring her shoulders): I will come back to you...
Goku: Whew.
Chichi: If you promise to never let Master Roshi in the house again, keep Gohan at his studies, and make sure that green guy doesn't lurk around anymore.
(She points to Piccolo. He smiles, but this isn't exactly comforting, as it shows all his fangs)
Goku(whining some more): But Chichi...
Chichi(sharply): And that's not all. You also hage to stop sparring with that--that OUJI.
(Vegeta chooses this moment to konk out)
Bulma(holding up two fingers): Vegeta! How many fingers do you see?
Vegeta(weakly): 12.
Bulma: Hoo boy. Go to sleep, Vegeta.
(Before she finishes this sentence, he is loooooong gone)
Goku: Well, that's one less thing I have to worry about.
Chichi: And I won't kill my hostage--
Reporter: Your own FATHER?!
Chichi: Ya-huh. I won't kill him if Goku promises to never fight again. Unless Gohan could get hurt. AND YOU CAN'T DRAG GOHAN OFF TO FIGHT!
Goku(muttering): I don't drag him...he follows me...
Chichi(loudly, shouldering uzi): I'm waaaaaiiiiitttttiiiinnnnngggg....
Goku: OKAY! I promise. Can we have dinner now, Chichi?
Chichi(abandoning uzi): Okay! I made your favorite, Goku--odangos! (sailormoon fans, please tell me you know what these are) And everyone's invited!
All(except for a knocked out Vegeta): Yay!
(Piccolo blows up the reporters. Goku stares)
Piccolo: I don't like reporters for company, especially when I'm eating.
(The feminists head over, looking embarrassed)
Hyacinth: We're sorry.
Mags Mags(dazed): Looks like the women DO have a place in the battle.
Brenda: Yeah. They drag their husbands around by the ear.
(They simultaneously turn to Bulma, who is now shouting her head off at an unconsious Vegeta, part yelling at him that he should know better, part yelling that she was glad he was ok)
Piccolo(tight voice): You have ten seconds before I kill you.
(They scram off)
Vegeta(lifting head): The--voice--in my head--was--lorelei!
(he plops down again and goes buhbyre. No one hears him)
(lorelei lets out a sigh of releif and goes in search of the dragonballs, hoping to wish Sailor Pluto back to life. More on that later)
NOW, LEAVE.
Darkmoon: Mmmmmmmmmmmmoooooooooooooooooooooooo!
lorelei: huh? Oh, I get it, quack!
Darkmoon: Whatever.