Lord of the Fries


It was a typical winter day at McDonald's. The fries were sitting in the burner, getting progressively colder, the ready-made burgers were on the shelf also getting progressively colder, and the snow was gently falling outside making anyone who ventured outdoors progressively colder, as well. Inside, the employees toiled away, finding new ways to entertain themselves while the customers continued to stay far from the establishment. The only other task they had, cleaning up the place for the health inspection the next day, had been completed over an hour ago.

Currently in the restaurant were Jane and Robert, the cashiers; Rich, the burger-maker; Fernando and Gutierrez, Siamese twins and official salad guys; Samantha, the drive-in girl; Nugget, the fry-boy; and a few nameless trainees drifting around. Before the sudden slump a busload of starving football players had stormed the place, and the manager was currently taking the extra cash to the bank.

"Hey, that's a pretty neat pink bunny tattoo you've got, Nugget," Rich commented. Nugget wasn't actually the employee's real name; he had received it after serving as that particular establishment's fry-boy for three years running with no signs of ever moving up or on.

"Yeah, it's one of those temporary tattoos. I got it for my birthday," Nugget replied, fiddling with one of the ice-cold french-fries.

"Our birthday wasn't that long ago," Fernando and Gutierrez said. "We each got a nifty red and white yin-yang keychain." Robert happened to look out the door at the white world beyond just then. His eyes got huge, showing the red veins within the whites.

"Um, guys? These doors open outward, right?"

"That's right," Samantha replied.

"I was afraid of that. Remember that gentle snow mentioned in the first paragraph?"

"Yeah?" Jane questioned. "What about it?"

Robert looked worriedly out the window. "Well, it must have picked up steam as the narrator was introducing us. It's an out-and-out blizzard now, at least four feet on the ground and more piling up. Not to mention the fact that these windows don't open, and are shatterproof…"

"Meaning we're snowed in," Nugget finished, cleaning off his glasses. The nameless trainees whimpered.

"Well duh, Nugget," Jane sneered, her pink gums showing. She seemed to need some dental attention, as they were a bit red around the tooth.

"So what do we do now?" Fernando and Gutierrez asked, grating the white cheese over the ripe, red tomatoes on the salad. For some odd reason one half of the salad was mostly cheese with just a touch of tomato while the other half was opposite with mostly tomato and a little cheese.

Jane scowled. "All right, Narrator, we get the whole red-white/yin-yang thing. Can we move on now?"

"Hey Robert, we never noticed you had a scar before," FerdinandandGutierrez said.

"Chicken Pox," Robert stated simply.

"I once got my face slammed in a car door," Samantha piped up from next to the drive-in window. "It left a scar, but it's right in the smile-line, so hardly anyone notices it."

"That's nice, Sam," Rich said, not really paying much attention. "So, what do we do now?"

"Well, first off I think I should be in charge. After all, I'm assistant manager," Jane said haughtily.

FerdinandandGutierrez got a puzzled look on their faces. "Uh, Jane? None of us are assistant managers. We're not even manager trainees."

Jane glared imperiously. "Well I know I was just about to be promoted… fairly certain, anyway."

"How about a democracy?" Rich suggested.

"Okay," Samantha agreed, "but you have to be president."

"Why me?" Rich asked, stunned.

"Because it says so in the script," Sam said, pointing out a particular line.

"Oh yeah."

And so the McDonald's democracy was formed. Jane was a bit upset at first, but was placated after being given the illustrious job of head repast engineer. She got a little upset again when she discovered that meant she was the cook, but eventually got over it after appointing Robert as her assistant. As a symbol of his authority, Rich would speak into the store microphone whenever he had an announcement. Everything was hunky-dory, that is, until one of the trainees ran to the front counter, screaming about strange noises and a beast. Rich called an assembly of employees and there was general chaos as stories of a strange creature waiting to do mean and nasty things to them escalated until Sam revealed she had been tapping against the drive-in window causing the strange noises the nameless trainee had heard. When questioned by Ferdinandandgutierrez why she was, she explained she had passed out from boredom earlier and was trying to stay awake. As Jane started to yell at her, everyone heard more strange noises.

"Umm, did you all hear that?" Nugget asked, starting to hyperventilate. "Oh *gasp* dear. Someone get me *wheeze* my inhaler…"

"Of course we heard it, idiot." Robert smacked Nugget upside the head, causing the slightly overweight boy to gasp harder.

"Can't *choke* breathe…"

"Oh, cut it out," Rich boomed through the mike, tossing the fry-boy his inhaler. "Stupid asthma."

A hush settled over the assembled employees. They simply sat and listened to the silence as the seconds stretched into minutes, punctuated only by a few more gasps from Nugget. Yep, they did nothing but listen, not leaving much for a poor, starving narrator to do, oh no, they just had to keep still leaving absolutely no action to narra…"

"Hold it, there wasn't a narrator in Lord of the Flies…" Nugget pointed out when he could finally breathe again.

"Hey, he's right," Ferdnerriz exclaimed.

"For once," Robert muttered.

"That must mean the beast…" Sam began.

"…is the narrator!" Rich finished.

Jane began to chant. Soon everyone had taken up the, uh… wait, me? The beast?

"Kill the narrator, slit her throat, bash her in…"

*gulp* Uh-oh. Um, gee everyone, I'd love to stay, but, uh, I think I hear my phone ringing and… *the employees advance, wielding plastic utensils* anditcouldbereallyimportantsobye! *the narrator runs; everyone chases*

… … …
… … …
… … …

"Well, we've chased off the narrator, now what?"

"Hey, who said that?"

"Me, Robert."

"Oh."

"Wait, who said that?"

"It's me, you idiot, Jane."

"Oh. This really isn't working is it?"

"No, it's not. Hey, how 'bout we kill Sam?"

"How would that help?"

"I don't know, but it sounds like fun."

"All right."

… … …
… … …
… … …

"Okay, so Sam is dead, we've converted all the nameless trainees to our evil ways, and we accidentally broke Nugget's inhaler and he choked to death. I think I can live with that."

"Huh? Who's talking?"

All right, I'll take pity on you poor souls and come out of hiding. One rule, though, you guys promise not to try and kill me, agreed?

"Agreed," all the employees nodded.

"Murderers!" Rich's voice boomed through the mike.

"Sure are," Jane replied nonchalantly, "now hand over the mike!"

"NO!" Rich and Jane struggled for control of the microphone, but accidentally broke it in the process.

"Now look what you did!" Jane yelled.

Rich was shocked. "Me!? It was you who broke…"

"We're going to have to kill you, too, now," she sighed. "Really a waste of time. You have 5 seconds to run."

"Umm, Jane? You're not serious, right?" Rich asked.

"5"

"C'mon, it's just a joke!"

"4"

"Well, look at the time. I better get going now…" Rich ran, eventually finding a hiding spot in the play-place's ball pit. He managed to stay hidden for some time, but had to run for his life when a nameless trainee discovered him. Being too busy running, he didn't notice the manager until after he had bumped into her.

"Ouch." Rich sat rubbing his nose.

"Rich! What's going on here? I've been trying to get into the building for hours, but kept hitting windows when I dug through the snow." At that moment, Jane and her crew ran up, stopping short as they reached the manager, ketchup and mustard smeared all over their faces.

"Oh, you guys have been playing around. Well clean up, get the store in shape, and for heaven's sake, get rid of Nugget and Sam's bodies, will you? The health inspector is coming tomorrow!"

THE END (thankfully)

McDonald's Disclaimer: We at McDonald's are sorry that you had to experience this piece of literature, and steps have been taken against its author. We would like to take this time to assure you that this event is completely fictional and no one has ever been killed in such a fashion at any McDonald's restaurant. We would also like to emphatically state that the health inspector discovered the bodies in the Dumpster and did not pass that particular establishment until after they had been properly disposed of. Thank you.