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Standard Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin nor anything related to it. The villain is of my own creation, but other than that I don't own a thing. Please don't sue. I'm a poor college student as it is...
It was shaping up to be a beautiful day in Meiji Era Tokyo. The sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon of the cloudless sky, burning away the last of the morning mist. The birds were chirping their beautiful morning songs, the beautiful sunrise was setting people’s hearts aglow, and from the direction of the Kamiya Dojo could be heard the beautiful sounds of... a banjo???
Sure enough, Kaoru sat on the porch, strumming away at the instrument, even though the author is fairly certain that there weren’t any banjos in Meiji Era Japan, but she doesn’t care because it’s funny, and she’s the one writing it, so there, now shut up or I’ll be forced to whack you repeatedly over the head with the 2x4 of Doom. Nobody else appeared to be awake quite this early, and Kaoru was free to practice without getting interrupted by certain spiky-haired 10-year-olds intent on making fun of her. After plunking out a few opening chords on the instrument, Kaoru joined her voice to the sound...
The Kenshin Connection
(to the tune of "The Rainbow Connection")
Why are there so many
Plots to kill Kenshin
For things done during the war?
He’s not Battousai,
But only rurouni
He will not kill anymore
Still they keep coming and try to defeat him
But I know they’ll lose, wait and see
Someday they’ll get it
The Kenshin connection
Sakaba, rurouni, and me
La da-da dee da-da dum
La da da-da dee da da dum...
Satisfied with her song for the moment, Kaoru put away the banjo, making sure to hide it among her things in case certain prying eyes decided to sneak into her room. By the time she had finished, the sun had fully risen, turning the morning pink into a cheerful yellow. The young owner of Kamiya Dojo began changing into her practice gi in preparation for the day. Meanwhile, in another part of Tokyo...
"Shoot! I know it’s gotta be around here somewhere," a man yelled as he wandered down the street, peering at every building. He was approximately 5’ 9" tall with short black hair, green eyes, and a medium build, his black hakama and forest green gi complimenting his natural colors. The ensemble may have been hotter than anything in this summer weather, but narcissism can overcome many obstacles, including heatstroke and sanity. Despite the law, he carried a katana tucked into the belt of his hakama, the calluses on his hands standing as a testament to the fact that he knew how to use the weapon.
"My revenge is so close," he muttered, still looking at the buildings in consternation. "I have finally discovered where Himura Battousai is living, but I can’t seem to find that one crummy little dojo!!" After looking cluelessly at a few more places, the man finally decided to take the blow to his pride and ask for directions. Stopping the first person he met on the street, he began...
Kamiya Dojo
(to the tune of "Sesame Street")
Hey there, guy
I’m lookin’ for the Battousai
I wanna fight, finally go toe to toe
So can you tell me how to get
To the Kamiya Dojo?
To the Kamiya Dojo?
After staring with mouth agape for a minute or so, the random passerby indicated that, no, he did not know the way to the Kamiya Dojo and that perhaps the stranger might want to go to the clinic down the road. He heard there was a lady doctor working there that could do wonders for people with sunstroke. The sword-bearing stranger politely declined the offer and tried asking someone else, with much the same results. He sighed in annoyance. This was going to be a long day.
Much, much later, at the elusive dojo, it was a very typical lunchtime scene. Sanosuke had come over to bum some free food off of Kaoru, and Megumi had shown up not too much later. She claimed to have "stopped by to check up on Ken-san," but immediately decided to stay and help with the meal when she found out Kaoru was going to be cooking. Kaoru had promptly kicked her out of the kitchen and shut herself in. At the moment, smoke was pouring from the windows, spreading the smell of burning food to the neighbors and beyond. Kenshin cautiously opened the kitchen door, for a moment unable to see anything through the blackness.
"Ano, Kaoru-dono, are you sure you don’t want some help?" he asked, taking a step into the kitchen and looking around. He was met with a shinai to the head, followed closely by several more.
"Of course I don’t want any help, baka! Now get out, get out, get out!!!" Kaoru yelled, punctuating almost every syllable with another blow to Kenshin. Of course, in the process she had gotten a tight hold on his collar, making it impossible for him to leave. All the little rurouni could get out was the occasional "Oro" as the tirade continued. Megumi and Sanosuke stared in a mixture of amazement and horror, while Yahiko sighed in empathy.
"I knew she got violent when she got jealous, but this..." Megumi said, still stunned. "Has she always been this way?" Yahiko nodded, and replied...
Kenshin and the Beast
(sung to "Beauty and the Beast")
Tale as old as time
With Kaoru it must be
Joking ‘round as friends
Then Kenshin offends unexpectedly
Suddenly a change
Mad, to say the least
He gets very scared
Her shinai is prepared
Kenshin and the Beast
Ever just the same
Ever in a mood
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As Sano bumming food...
Sano: Hey!
Megumi: Quiet, I’m listening to this.
Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Seems a little strange,
Never does it change,
Kenshin’s always wrong
Certain as the fire
Burning her whole feast
Thwacks upon the head
A wonder he’s not dead
Kenshin and the Beast
Thwacks upon the head
A wonder he’s not dead
Kenshin and... the Beast
As Yahiko finished his song, he sat back with a smug look, expecting when he opened his eyes to find Megumi and Sanosuke staring in wonder and awe. When he finally did open them, the two were indeed staring, but instead of at him they were looking at a point a little behind and to the left of the boy. From this same point came the voice of Kaoru, a dangerous note making itself heard.
"What was that, Yahiko?" Gulping, the young samurai turned around and braced himself, waiting for the impact of wood on his head. Much to his relief, Kaoru stopped her swing moments before it connected as a different, unfamiliar voice rang out from the yard.
"Himura Battousai, show yourself!!"
"Oro?" Kenshin said, peering out into the sunlight.
"Oh not another one," Sanosuke sighed, putting a hand to his head. The group followed Kenshin as he stepped outside, taking a good, long look at the stranger who stood there. It was the same man who earlier had been wandering Tokyo looking for the dojo.
Kaoru looked puzzled. "Ano, excuse me, but aren’t you a little hot in that outfit?" The man sweatdropped.
"Never mind that!" he yelled, regaining his feet and addressing Kenshin. "I have been searching for over ten years for you, to make you pay for what you did to me. Prepare for your death, Battousai!!"
Kenshin blinked. "Do I know you?" he asked. This time the man facefaulted.
"You don’t remember me?!" he screamed. It wasn’t very hard to picture him foaming at the mouth by this point. "I am Tenkeiteki Akunin, and you took away my life, monster!" At his pronouncement, Akunin had expected and been prepared for several things to happen. He had expected the Battousai to have a sudden flash of recognition and fear. He had expected his companions to gasp in horror and denounce the beast as their friend. He had expected to fight and kill the Battousai.
He had not expected the group to break down into barely-stifled giggles.
"What?" he asked, almost pouting. Being so unexpected, he was most assuredly unprepared for this turn of events. The others just giggled harder, unable to answer.
"What’s so funny?" he asked again, a definite whine in his voice this time. After a few gasps, Yahiko managed to get out, "Your name!" before collapsing on the ground chuckling. Akunin pouted.
"My parents had a weird sense of humor," he griped.
Sano grinned, "Yeah, but to name you ‘Typical Villain’? That goes beyond weird."
"Oh just shut up!" Akunin yelled, finally snapping at all the mirth. "Like I said, I’ve come to destroy you, Himura Battousai, for ruining my life!" Kenshin sighed, all traces of his former humor gone like so much sake during a drinking contest between Sanosuke and Hiko.
"I am sorry for anything I might have done to you in the past, but I swear I am no longer the Battousai, merely a rurouni who goes by the name Himura Kenshin. If it can be helped, I would not like to fight." Akunin snarled.
"It’s too late for that, Battousai," he said, spitting out Kenshin’s former name like a bad piece of fruit. "You will fight, and you will die."
"What did Ken-san do to you?" Megumi asked, angered by this man who insisted on bringing Kenshin’s past back to him.
"He made my new girlfriend break up with me."
Everyone sweatdropped. Ignoring the group, Akunin struck a tragic pose, his narcissism once again getting the better of him.
"We had been going out for almost a whole week when one day Battousai walks into the restaurant where we were having lunch. He apologized and left because he had the wrong place, and the next thing you know she broke up with me. All because he came in and she liked redheads and thought cold, ruthless killers were really cool!" Akunin finished up with a dramatic clenching of his fist, symbolizing his inner struggles. He was sure his audience would be suitable impressed.
The sound of crickets chirping could be heard.
"Is that it?" asked Yahiko after the silence had dragged on for the appropriate amount of time to convey the exact extent of how unimpressed they were.
"What do you mean ‘is that it.’? What else do I need? I was planning on marrying that girl, and he ruined it, he ruined everything! He ruined my life!!" Tenkeiteki Akunin snarled as his anger found its focus once again. "Now, Battousai, fight me. Fight me with the blade that stole my love’s heart from me!"
While the others groaned at the stupidity of Akunin’s reason for fighting, Kenshin recognized the burning hatred in the man’s eyes. He knew there was no escaping this battle simply because of the absurd motive. There was only one option left to the former Ishin Shihi assassin...
A Whole New Sword
(sung to "A Whole New World")
(Kenshin)
*thinking* I must show him my sword
*glares at readers* No, not that way you hentai!
Maybe then he will get that
I don’t really want to fight
*to Akunin* Sessha does not want battle
*unsheathes his sakaba* I have sakabatou, you see
I’m just a ragged rurouni
Hitokiri no more all ‘cause I have
A whole new sword!
To fight without having to kill
The blade’s on the wrong side
So I can hide my deep Battousai feelings...
(Akunin)
A whole new sword?!
But why when he’s a killer for sure?
I came to beat my foe
Now I don’t know
I’m so confused I don’t know what to do
(Kenshin)
I can help to show you what to do
(Akunin)
Unbelievable sight
Strong, conflicting feelings
Sending my senses reeling
Could it be that I’ve been wrong?
A whole new sword...
(Kenshin)
I don’t want to fight you
(Akunin)
A decade spent in vengeance’s name
(Kenshin)
Can’t I change your position?
(Akunin)
I see what my choices are, but I’ve gone so far
Can I turn back from my old deadly aim?
(Kenshin)
A whole new sword
(Akunin)
I know what I must do
(Kenshin)
My killing’s through
(Akunin)
I have made my decision
I simply cannot fight
It isn’t right
Let me share my friendship now with you
(Kenshin)
A whole new sword...
(Akunin)
A whole new sword...
(Kenshin)
It changed your mind...
(Akunin)
It changed my mind...
(Kenshin)
*extends hand* Welcome, new friend...
(Akunin)
*accepts it* Revenge’s end...
(Both)
*they shake hands* Hard to believe.
The rest of the Kenshin-gumi blinked. Then they blinked again. Then they blinked some more. This was immediately followed by another round of blinking, wrapped up with a few quick blinks to finish it off.
"What just happened?" Sanosuke asked, finally getting tired of all the blinking because his eyelids were getting tired.
"I’m not sure," Yahiko replied, "but I think we just missed out on a potentially great battle." Sanosuke shrugged.
"Oh well, sometimes you get to fight and sometimes you’re left out." Within moments, Megumi was by the former street fighter’s side, checking his forehead to see if he had a fever.
"He feels cool..."
"Check again, Megumi," Kaoru said worriedly. "He has to be sick. The Sano I know would never be so calm after not getting to fight." Sanosuke grumbled and pushed the doctor’s hand away.
"I’m not sick!" he yelled, crossing his arms. "I simply realized one important thing. We’re talking about Kenshin, and with him around a fight is always just around the corner."
"You mean..." began Yahiko.
"Exactly," Sanosuke said...
Tomorrow
(sung to, well... "Tomorrow")
(Sano)
A new guy’ll come tomorrow
I would bet my last yen that tomorrow
Will be a fight
(Yahiko)
Just thinkin’ about tomorrow
Gets your blood to tingle with excitement
Ain’t that right?
(Sano)
When I’m stuck with a day that’s dull and boring
I won’t fight on a whim, I’ll grin and say...
(Yahiko & Sano)
Oh, a new guy’ll come tomorrow
We just gotta hold out ‘till tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow, tomorrow
Kenshin fights tomorrow
And we’ll get to join the brawl
(Megumi)
A new guy’ll come tomorrow
Get my medicines all put together
For the fight
(Akunin)
Just thinkin’ about tomorrow
Makes me know the truth of my decision
It’s so right!
(Kaoru)
When you’re stuck with a day that’s dull and boring
Please don’t fight on a whim, just grin and say...
(Sano, Yahiko, & Kaoru)
Oh, a new fight’ll start tomorrow
So we gotta hang on ‘till tomorrow
Come what may
(Sano and Yahiko)
Tomorrow, tomorrow
We love ya tomorrow
You’re only a day away...
Tomorrow, tomorrow
Yes, a fight tomorrow
And we’ll get to join...
(Akunin)
I’ll fight on his side...
(Megumi)
You’ll all get hurt bad...
(Kaoru)
I’ll be tar-ge-ted...
(All)
IIIIIIIIIIN..... THEEEEEEEE.... BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWL!!!
(Kenshin)
....oro?
Everyone laughed and started getting to know their newest friend. As they were joking around, Yahiko turned to Sanosuke, a question in his mind.
"Ano, Sano, do you really think some new guy will show up soon to fight Kenshin? And will we really get to help out?" Sanosuke grinned that disarming grin of his at the boy.
"You can count on it kid. I bet some new enemy is on his way right now..."
Meanwhile, somewhere in the distance on a boat arriving from Shanghai, Yukishiro Enishi sneezed.
THE END