|
|
Snow White Sell-Out
Written by Pam Sawyer
Cast:
January Summers, network censor
Narrator
Queen
King
Steward
Wicked Queen
Mirror
Snow White
Royal Hunter
Each of seven dwarves
Director
(Scene opens on a typical fairy-tale setting. There is a castle to one side, a forest with a small cottage to the other, and a village in the background. January Summers, dressed in a smart, contemporary business suit and holding a clipboard, is walking around the set inspecting it.)
January: (making various inquisitive noises) Hmm, I suppose this is all right. Yes, it will do for now.
(Narrator enters stage left)
Narrator: Excuse me, miss, but may I ask who you are and why you’re tromping all over our stage? We do have a performance to put on.
January: (extends hand) January Summers, The ABZ broadcasting company’s network censor.
Narrator: (shakes hand) [actor’s name], Narrator. What brings you here, Miss Summers?
January: ABZ has bought the rights to this little performance and plans to turn it into a made-for-TV movie. I’m here to make sure everything’s kosher.
Narrator: (muttering) Greeeaaaaat… I knew the director was hard up for cash, but a sell-out? (out loud) All right, Jan, if…
January: (sternly) January.
Narrator: Right, well if you could take your seat, we’ll begin.
January: Very well.
(January walks off stage right. She returns a moment later with a chair, which she places downstage far right. She sits and waits)
Narrator: Umm, I was thinking more of your seat in the audience.
January: (looks stubbornly at the Narrator) Are you going to begin, Mr. [actor’s last name]?
Narrator: (Throwing up his hands in defeat) All right, we’ll start.
(Narrator takes his position next to January. There is a short blackout as the Queen enters and takes her place in the castle. A single spotlight focuses on the Narrator)
Narrator: (to audience) Once upon a time…
January: When?
(Lights come up suddenly)
Narrator: What?
January: When? Any fairy tale can start “Once upon a time.” ABZ is looking for something spectacular. We want to know right when this fairy tale starts.
Narrator: I don’t know when it starts! I’m just the narrator.
January: It is not my job to care. Make something up.
Narrator: But, but…
January: Do hurry, please. I am not a patient woman.
Narrator: Uh, okay, umm… Once upon the second of December…
January: Better
Narrator: Thank you. May I continue now?
January: Please.
Narrator: (to audience once more) As I was saying, once upon the second of December there lived a Queen…
Queen: (knitting) Oh how I wish I had…
January: (interrupting) Hold it!
Queen: (testily) What?
January: Knitting? I’m afraid that just won’t do. What message are we sending to children, that all queens do is sit around and knit useless things? No, that will have to change.
Queen: Umm…
(She looks around the set and suddenly pulls out a canvas and set of paints from behind a piece of furniture. After setting everything up, she begins again)
Queen: (painting) Oh how I wish I had…
January: Excuse me.
Queen: (annoyed) Yes?
January: Painting? That's hardly better than knitting.
Queen: (angrily) It’s a masterpiece that will stun future generations with its new and eccentric ideas of art. Happy?
January: Quite. Continue.
Queen: Oh how I wish I had… (glances sharply at January. The censor nods) a child. A lovely daughter with lips as red as blood, hair as black as ebony, and skin as white as…
January: Oh, so now we’re placing supreme value on a person’s physical appearance, are we?
Queen: (sarcastically) Sorry. (takes deep breath) I wish I had a child. It does not matter what he or she looks like, but I would so dearly love to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. (glares at January) Oh, look at the time. I’m late for the royal ball… (glances at January who is scowling) …game for the kids at the local YMCA. I’m the referee, and it would not do to be tardy.
(Queen exits)
Narrator: Soon after the wish was made, the queen did bear a child-a girl who just happened to be very lovely in the physical sense.
Queen: (from offstage) Ooh, nice save!
Narrator: (to Queen) Thanks. (to audience) Now because the child’s skin was almost inhumanly fair, her parents mutually agreed to call her Snow White. Sadly, only a week later tragedy struck.
(King enters. He looks down at the bassinet where the baby Snow White lays)
King: Oh my poor daughter. I am your only parent now. Your sweet mother has been killed while out riding, (January coughs) uh, I mean while out in South Africa helping those less fortunate than herself. Yes, she contracted a very rare and one hundred percent fatal disease, and now my child is without a mother. Whatever is a caring father to do? (he pauses for a moment) Wait, I know! Steward!
(Steward enters)
Steward: Yes, your majesty?
King: Fetch the royal video dating service. Snow White needs a mother.
Steward: Right away, your majesty.
January: (pondering) I'm not too sure about that bit, but I'll let it slide.
Narrator: And so time went on. The King married a woman, who also happened to be very beautiful in the physical sense, whom he thought would make a nice wife and mother for Snow White. The woman then became the new queen, but all was not well. The king did not know that the woman he married was actually a wicked wit…
January: (dangerous tone) A what?
Narrator: A, uh, dysfunctional magic user?
January: Very good.
Narrator: Moving along. The queen also happened to be a very vain dysfunctional magic user who owned a magic mirror.
Wicked Queen: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?
January: Trite.
WQ: Excuse me?
January: I said that rhyme has been done to death. Try putting a little punch in it, make it different.
WQ: Okay…
(The Wicked Queen takes the mirror off the wall, looks around for a minute, then tosses it offstage. She reaches into a pocket and pulls out a hand-held mirror)
WQ: Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who's the fairest in the land? And you better tell me what I want to hear, you thrift shop trash, or I'm going to cause myself seven years of bad luck, and I know lots of cures for bad luck.
January: That works.
Mirror: (gulps) Oh, wise queen, truly thou art the fairest lady in all the land (mutters) or at least within a two-foot radius…
WQ: (dangerously) What?
Mirror: N-nothing!
WQ: I thought so.
Narrator: Her vanity boosted every day, the new queen made Snow White into a servant girl…
January: Ahem, and exactly where was the king during this whole servitude bit?
Narrator: (thinking quickly) He, um, died heroically pushing a child out of the path of a runaway carriage. Anyway, at last the mirror's conscience could take no more of the lies it fed to the queen.
WQ: Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?
Mirror: I just can't do it, anymore!! Snow White is much prettier than you, not only in the physical sense but in the spiritual sense, as well! There, go ahead and break me, and may bad luck follow you forever.
WQ: Why you little…
(The Wicked Queen chokes the mirror until she realizes it's just a mirror, then violently tosses it offstage)
WQ: Royal Hunter, get in here!
Royal Hunter: Yes, my queen?
WQ: I want you to take Snow White into the woods and kill her. As proof, I want you to bring me her heart.
January: Oh that one has to go. Talk of bringing hearts as proof of murder is completely inappropriate.
WQ: Aww c'mon, there's no way around that one.
January: (pondering) I suppose just this one, but no others!
WQ: (happily) Thank you! Now, Royal Hunter, be off!
Royal Hunter: Right away, my queen.
(Royal Hunter goes offstage and returns with Snow White. They cross to the forest section of the set where the Royal Hunter releases the girl)
Royal Hunter: Quickly, Snow White! Your stepmother hired me to kill you. Run far from this place and never return to the castle.
Snow White: But why save me?
Royal Hunter: Because your spiritual beauty has impressed my deeply. Also, I've seen the condition of your exercise dummies after you've practiced your Tai Kwan Do.
Snow White: Oh, well thanks for not trying to kill me. See 'ya around! (Royal Hunter exits) Now to see about getting myself some shelter… Look, a little cottage, and it's unlocked. It doesn't look like anyone's home. I think I'll step inside and look around.
January: And I think you'll be hit with a lawsuit if you do. Try again.
Snow White: I think I'll leave it alone and go see about setting up a shelter for myself.
Narrator: And so the Royal Hunter gave the dysfunctional magic user a pig's heart he bought from the butcher's shop. Meanwhile, Snow White, who had proceeded very far in Girl Scouts before the dysfunctional magic using queen made her quit, put together a very snug shelter which served until she had gathered the raw materials needed to build her own house.
(All seven dwarves enter and spot Snow White who is gathering lumber)
Dwarf 1: Excuse me, miss…
Snow White: Oh, it's seven dwarves! (January clears her throat purposefully) I mean, uh, seven vertically challenged adults!
Dwarf 1: Why yes, we are. Say, what are you doing gathering all that lumber?
Snow White: I'm sorry, I can't talk to you. You're all strangers and I've always been taught never to talk to strangers. Even my dysfunctional stepmother taught me that.
Dwarf 2: True, but we're nice vertically challenged adults.
Dwarf 3: And besides, we're your neighbors.
Snow White: You may very well be nice, but how do I know that? Can you prove you're not deranged vertically challenged adults who plan on selling me into slavery for some quick cash?
Dwarf 4: Sure! We have our "Citizens of the Month" card with us.
(One of the dwarves pulls out a card from his pocket. Snow White takes it from him and inspects it carefully).
Snow White: Well, everything seems to be in order. I'm Snow White, and I'm gathering lumber to build myself a house.
Dwarf 5: Wait a minute, Snow White?
Dwarf 6: Aren't you the princess?
Dwarf 7: Shouldn't you be at the castle and not building a house in the woods?
Snow White: Maybe, but I don't think my stepmother would like that too much.
Dwarf 4: Why do you say that?
Snow White: She plotted my murder and it was only the compassion of the Royal Hunter and my knowledge of Tai Kwan Do that saved my life.
Dwarf 1: Yes, I'd say that's a pretty clear indication.
Dwarf 3: Hey, how about you come live with us?
Dwarf 7: Yeah, you could cook, and clean, and sew for us…
January: No, no, no, that will never do. Assigning tasks based on sex? Never, not for the children. Change it.
Dwarf 7: Yeah, we could use someone a little taller than ourselves to help us mine precious gems.
January: Much better.
Snow White: You know, I think I may do just that sometime, but I would still prefer my own house. Thank you very much for the offer, though.
Dwarf 5: All right, well, feel free to come on down to the mine whenever you need to mine a gem or two so you can buy the few things you can't make or grow yourself.
Snow White: Thanks, I will.
(The Dwarves exit)
Narrator: And so time passed. Soon Snow White's name became completely inappropriate as living in the forest and working outdoors gave her a healthy, permanent tan. Every now and then Snow White would take the dwarves up on their offer then take a trip into town with her acquired gems. It was on one such trip that she happened to run into the evil wit… dysfunctional magic user in disguise.
Snow White: (accidentally bumping into the Wicked Queen) Oh, I'm so very sorry, madam. Please, let me help you with that. (bends down to help the Wicked Queen pick up her items)
WQ: It's all right, child. Say, do I know you?
Snow White: (puzzled) I don't believe so. Goodbye. (she leaves)
WQ: Hmm… (pulls out the magic hand-held mirror which is wrapped in duct tape) Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?
Mirror: Ha, I knew she couldn't really be dead! The girl you just let escape is none other than Snow White, who, I might add, is looking even more radiant after a few years of real work.
WQ: Drat! Remind me to have the Royal Hunter executed for treason later. Meanwhile, back to the castle!
Mirror: Like I have a choice?
Narrator: And so, using her magic, the queen made a poisoned apple to feed to Snow White and disguised herself as an ugly hag.
January: Disguised herself as what, now?
WQ: (muttering to the mirror) You know, I'm getting mighty tired of this lady…
January: I'm waiting.
Narrator: (sighing) Disguised herself as a socially lower class woman well past the prime of her life.
January: Better.
Narrator: After some persuasion, the magic mirror revealed Snow White's position and the queen set out with her basket of poisoned apples.
(The Wicked Queen crosses to the forest side of the stage)
WQ: (calling offstage) Pardon me, miss?
Snow White: (from offstage) Just a minute, please. I'm putting the finishing touches on the central air unit… there. (steps onstage wiping her greasy hands on a rag) What can I do for you, madam?
WQ: Please, miss, I am a poor, tired old woman. Would you purchase one of my apples so I can buy a little food tonight?
Snow White: Why don't you just eat the apples?
WQ: I've, uh, had nothing but apples for such a long time I was hoping for a change.
Snow White: Hold on, I live in the middle of nowhere. Why would you come all the way out here in the hopes of selling me a single apple when you would have much more luck somewhere in town?
WQ: What does it matter, brat? Just buy the friggin' apple!!… URK!
(the Wicked Queen topples over)
Snow White: Madam, madam? Are you all right? (yells at the dwarves who are just coming onstage) You! Call 911! (she begins CPR)
Narrator: Alas, Snow White's efforts were in vain. The wicked queen had died of a heart attack after eating too many fatty foods. As she perished, the disguise melted away, and Snow White recognized her stepmother.
Snow White: Poor stepmother. Oh well. (looking at the dwarves) Hey, you guys wanna go get a pizza or something? I'm starving!
Dwarf 2: There are these apples the queen brought.
Snow White: I don't think I really trust those.
Dwarf 4: Why not?
Snow White: They did turn the grass brown when they landed.
Dwarf 6: Good point.
January: Hold it! We can't have Snow White just ride off. She's shirking her responsibility as the new queen! What kind of an example is this setting for the children?
(The dead Wicked Queen stands up and puts her hands on her hips)
WQ: I've had just about enough of you, missy!
(The original Queen enters)
Queen: Who are you to come in here and mess up a perfectly good fairy tale?
(The rest of the cast so far enters)
King: Yeah, maybe we liked it politically incorrect.
January: And maybe I can sue all of you. Your director signed a contract with the ABZ broadcasting company…
(Suddenly Director enters)
Director: (waving to January) Hey Mary Beth.
January: (nervously) W-why sir! You must have me mistaken for someone else.
Director: No, you said you were planning on coming to see the show today. (notices others) Oh, hi everyone. I'd like you to meet my sister, Mary Beth. She's studying theatre in high school.
Steward: Sister?
Royal Hunter: In high school?
Director: Yeah, why?
Snow White: GET HER!!!
(Everyone except the Director charges "January." She runs; they chase)
Narrator: After her!
Dwarf 3: Don't let her escape!
Dwarf 1: Where's a trapdoor when you need one?
(Everyone runs offstage except the Director)
Director: (turns to audience) Anyone care to tell me what happened
here? (the lights go out) No? Shoot. (curtains close)
THE END